Rat Terrier Pug Mix: AKA Terri

Friday Night! Date Night! No Smoking?!

So it’s Friday night.  I’m trying to figure out where to go, what to do?  Do you ever visualize yourself in the future of a day…and think, I want to look like this? I do it all the time.  Today, for example, I’m picturing myself with a glass of red wine and a cigarette.  Now why in the world would I picture such things? Is this just some type of mind addiction I have going on?  And why is it, that I find myself wanting to have a cigarette, when physically, that’s not the case.  But mentally, I haven’t been able to visualize myself – in a moment of fun – without a cigarette.  I have got to work on visualizing myself succeeding.

I’m not sure if it’s a proven fact, but it is consistently true that if I visualize myself doing something…That vision will come true.  I’m sure it has to do with the power of the mind.  While some things are outside of our control, others – aren’t…and for the things that I can control, God grant me the endurance and strength to avoid the things that hurt me the most.

I was reading a clip about Johnny Depp earlier.  He has had some serious issues with alcohol and drugs, but mostly alcohol.  He said that he used to drink to make himself numb.  That he didn’t want to feel anything.  During that time, he said he would smoke and smoke and smoke and smoke.  Until one day, his family finally convinced him (over time) that he was being a dumb ass – - as I understand it, he struggles even today, but works hard to control his urges to over indulge.

How is it that some people get really tied up in drugs and alcohol….addiction….and others find it easy to avoid?  I don’t think I’ll even pretend to know the answer to that question, but I hope, GOD I HOPE…. I can find the strength to live in this world without killing myself.  I hope I can inspire someone to stop using.  I hope I can influence someone to think in a different way.

Day 77 (less one slip up) without a Cigarette!

So, I begin my new day noting that I had a slip up last week.  Yep.  If I was dumb enough to slip up, then I have to be smart enough to confess it with each blog so that I don’t forget again how important NO SMOKING is for me.

I’m very thankful that I don’t feel like smoking a cigarette lately.  I’ve read so many articles online, that when people slip up, they go back to smoking.  I know my slip up was a combo of alcohol and zero willpower.  I’m glad to report I have not slipped again.

This Friday we had a really fun time at the baseball game followed by a round of pool and darts.  I was around smoking, and I had some beers, but I did not smoke.  Success!

I did chew a few toothpicks.  There is something calming about having that toothpick between my lips…..that serves as a replacement.  I’m sure chewing wood isn’t good for my teeth, but It’s got to be better than lighting up.

Did I crave a cigarette while out last Friday?  No, not physically.  Mentally, I would see smokers and the habit of digging through my purse for a smoke wasn’t odd to me.  Sometimes the cravings aren’t about “wanting” a cigarette.  It’s about having something to do.  Sitting, without smoking, is something that I’m still getting used to.  It seems odd to sit in a chair out side or in a bar without lighting up.  I k now I will get used to it…..just takes time.

I was reminded however; some main reasons that I quit smoking on Friday night.  Such as:  My clothes reeked of smoke from the bar.  Yuck… I hate that smell.  Even my bra reeked.  It’s like the smell of cigarettes penetrated through to my blood.  The shower felt good the next day. 

So in summary:  Still not smoking.    May next week present itself with great success as well!!

Slip ups with Smoking

So, it happened to me.  I caved in on Saturday night.  I’m really disappointed in myself.  But I’m writing to #1 confess so that I can learn from my mistakes, and #2 to candidly admit that I am back on track.

I’ve been reading a lot of things on line that say, if you smoke just one you are likely to go back to smoking regularly.

Well, hopefully that won’t happen to me.  To be honest, I really don’t want a cigarette.  I’m not craving one since my slip up Saturday.  But I do need to watch those triggers that roped me in to defeat.

My biggest trigger in the world, is Alcohol.  Sure 1 or 2 drinks and I’m fine.  No cravings….but we had a lot of drinks Saturday.  And when I’m hanging with friends who smoke COMBINED with drinks….well it all equals destruction!

Why is it that my defenses are so weak after a few drinks?  I mean…The nicotine is totally out of my system at this point, so why is it that I get such huge cravings when I’m drinking?  I just can’t explain it.  But I really need to watch myself.

I so wanted to get through a full year without a smoke.  Not one cheat.  Now….it’s like I’m starting all over.  Now I have to say, I’ve made it 2 months not smoking with 1 slip up.  I guess it could be worse….but I wish I didn’t have to say I had a slip up.  Hmmm….maybe the slip up is what I need to remember the next time that I get a craving.  I don’t want to make this mistake again.  I WON’T MAKE THIS MISTAKE AGAIN.

Maybe I’m to hard on myself.  Maybe, I’m not hard enough.

2 months smoke free, and I’m sick….

I think it’s 2 months now.  I’m smoke free.  Truth is that I am sick right now.  Coughing, Aching, sneezing, wheezing.  It sucks.  But you know what:  It would be worse if I were still smoking.  When I get the energy to rejoice in my illness for not smoking, I will.  Until then, Where’s the NyQuil.

 

What does your big picture look like?

Ah, it’s Sunday at 11:38 while I begin typing this message. I can’t sleep. I had such a wonderful day today. I spent some real quality time with my family. My mom and sister have been remodeling their home, and we visited to see the “results”. WOW! Everything looks amazing.

My sister and I cooked dinner together, while the family sat around the table to talk and catch up.

Reflecting on my time with my mom, sister, daughter, and husband….makes me smile.

I feel so lucky sometimes. Unworthy of such a wonderful family. Blessed; some say is the correct expression. Either way, it’s hard to close my eyes and conclude a day that I don’t want to end.

Sometimes I focus so much on the big picture…that I lose focus on the little things that make the big picture so bright. My husband calls it puzzle pieces. I think he’s right. Our lives are made up of thousands of puzzle pieces. They are the pieces that define us and shape us into the “big picture” that won’t be completed until our time here is finished.

I want to leave a “big picture” bright enough for my family and friends to enjoy. I want to create puzzle pieces that bring fulfillment to my life; Adventure; and most importantly – Love.

I want to spend more time arranging my puzzle pieces…instead of watching them form without direction or guidance. That saying ” let the pieces fall as they may”….isn’t something I want to accept anymore. Sure; we aren’t in full control of everything – I know that – – but we do have the ability to guide our lives towards the big picture.

So the question becomes; “Do you know what you want your big picture to look like?”

I think I’ll spend some time making sure I have a good outline for mine.

What does your Big Picture Look Like?

What does your Big Picture Look Like?.

What does your Big Picture Look Like?

Ah, it’s Sunday at 11:38 while I begin typing this message.  I can’t sleep.  I had such a wonderful day today.  I spent some real quality time with my family.  My mom and sister have been remodeling their home, and we visited to see the “results”.  WOW!  Everything looks amazing.

My sister and I cooked dinner together, while the family sat around the table to talk and catch up.

Reflecting on my time with my mom, sister, daughter, and husband….makes me smile.

I feel so lucky sometimes.  Unworthy of such a wonderful family.  Blessed; some say is the correct expression.  Either way, it’s hard to close my eyes and conclude a day that I don’t want to end.

Sometimes I focus so much on the big picture…that I lose focus on the little things that make the big picture so bright.  My husband calls it puzzle pieces.  I think he’s right.  Our lives are made up of thousands of puzzle pieces.  They are the pieces that define us and shape us into the “big picture” that won’t be completed until our time here is finished.

I want to leave a “big picture” bright enough for my family and friends to enjoy.  I want to create puzzle pieces that bring fulfillment to my life; Adventure; and most importantly – Love.

I want to spend more time arranging my puzzle pieces…instead of watching them form without direction or guidance.  That saying ” let the pieces fall as they may”….isn’t something I want to accept anymore.  Sure; we aren’t in full control of everything – I know that – - but we do have the ability to guide our lives towards the big picture.

So the question becomes; “Do you know what you want your big picture to look like?”

I think I’ll spend some time making sure I have a good outline for mine. 

Perspective – 2 months smoke free

Sometimes I like to read articles about challenges smokers have had with quitting.  It makes me feel good to know that I’m not alone in my addiction.

The good news is that I’m almost 2 months smoke free.  Yep, not one smoke, not one cheat!  Trust me, IT REALLY GETS EASIER.

I found this article that I wanted to share from, “Brad”  It really opened my eyes to my addiction and put things in perspective.

I hope you find value in the “read”.

Namaste

From Brad:

Today marks two months since I quit smoking.

Yesterday I was thinking about what I was going to put in my two month milestone post. It was not going to be an optimistic posting. No, what I had planned was pretty much a pity party. A full tilt “God I feel awful, I’ve not smoked for two months and I still feel like crap and will this misery ever end?” diatribe. Then I was going to sit back and wait for all the comforting, reassuring replies that I knew forum members would send my way. Kinda pathetic, but it’s the truth.

Then last night happened.

One of the things I’ve resumed since quitting is going to yoga classes. I go three to four nights a week. Last night was pretty crowded; I guess a lot of people were getting a session in before they abused their bodies on New Year’s eve.

It was not a particularly good session for me. My mind kept wandering, thinking of the party we were going to that night, wondering if anyone there would have a cigarette and if it would be the moment I was going to slip up, etc.

At the end of the class, I noticed an attractive young woman (probably early 30′s) that I had never seen before. She was talking to the instructor and I overheard her saying that she was from out of town and was just visiting family for a couple of days. We walked out together and made small talk.

I asked her how she came to find out about the yoga studio. She said she hadn’t done yoga in a while, so on a sort of a whim had looked online and found the place. She asked me how long I had been practicing. I told her that I started again when I quit smoking. Then I said I had made it almost two months, and that it was a very hard thing I was doing(there’s the poor pitiful me part).

She looked at me and said, “Yes, I’ve heard from friends that quitting can be really tough. Good for you for quitting.” Then she added “You know, this is kind of an anniversary for me as well.”

“Yeah?” I said, “What anniversary is it?” She paused and looked directly in my eyes for a second. “It was just about 5 years ago that I had a double lung transplant.”

It was like someone had hit me in the back with a sledgehammer and all the air had gone out of my lungs. Did she really say “double lung transplant“? I just couldn’t get my head around it; you read about things like that, but to actually meet someone who had gone through it? It seemed impossible.

“Really,” I said, “a double lung transplant?” She smiled at me. “Yes. I have cystic fibrosis, and without the transplant I would have died.”

I stammered around trying to think of something intelligent to say. She was very patient, I guess she had been through this situation before. After a couple of minutes I got up the courage to say “what does the future look like?” She said that after five years, the average was that she would have about a 25% chance of making it another year. “But that’s just an average. I’ve had very little rejection issues, and I’m feeling great.”

We talked for another 20 minutes or so. She runs a non-profit animal rescue mission in Brooklyn. She is director of a non-profit dance company. She has a full time job. She has a “significant other.” She is living her life.

I’m not a religious person. I like to think that I have some degree of spirituality, but there is no organized religion that I would be a part of. However, when she said goodbye, all I could do is say “God bless you, April, God bless you. I can never tell you how much it has meant to me to have met you.” And I gave her a long hug.

Like I said, I’m not a religious person, but all day today I’ve been thinking about her. It’s sort of like that movie, It’s A Wonderful Life. As if an angel had come down and tapped me on the shoulder.

This has taken a while to explain, but here is what I wanted to convey to all of you who are reading this: almost without exception, we who are quitting are doing it as a matter of choice. It is tough, it is miserable at times, but we have a choice to continue doing damage to ourselves or do everything we can to beat this awful addiction.

She does not have a choice. She can only deal with the hand that fate has dealt her.

There I was, feeling sorry for myself for being miserable about quitting smoking, and someone who has faced, and is facing, mortality every day came and graced me with her presence. And did it with courage and class.

~Brad~

True freedom is a state of mind. Pay attention to the positive cues that life sends your way, and work to change what smoking means to you. Give yourself time to heal the habits you’ve developed around nicotine addiction and you can find lasting freedom just as surely as anyone else has.

Believe in yourself and the sky truly is the limit.

Now that I don’t smoke, I…..

Hello Hello Hello!  I’m writing this eve because I’m in good spirits.  It’s been over a month now (month and a week), and I haven’t had ONE SMOKE!  I’m SMOKE FREE!!!!

Played poker last Friday with friends.  I didn’t crave the cigarette, but I was a bit ant-see with the drinking and all….so I decided to chew on some toothpicks to keep my mouth and hands busy.  I found it very helpful.  Again…it’s not that I was craving a cigarette…but sometimes when I’m with friends and I’m drinking, I just want to keep my hands busy so that they don’t fall into old habits.

(side note, I lost the poker game).

I’ve added a new routine to my life.  Yoga.  I absolutely love it.  I’ve been doing Yoga for 2 weeks now and I’m really noticing the depth of my breathing.  I’m finding that the deeper breaths help me mold into positions better.  This whole Yoga thing is very interesting to me.  I find I study and read about poses, philosophies, and the ways Yoga can enhance my life….It’s not something I’m tired of yet.  (And with my attention span, that’s saying something!)

I haven’t lost weight…haven’t gained weight.  Yoga is definitely making me stronger.  Leaner.  My waist line seems smaller.  I like that a lot!!

I’m really trying to take my time and do things with pride.  Since I don’t have to “rush” any longer to have a smoke; I’ve noticed that I’m not in a hurry to get tasks completed.  Yoga is teaching me to keep my face soft when I’m doing things that are not comfortable.  I apply this line of thinking in most things I do:  Like dishes…laundry…picking up the house…I find that while doing this monotonous tasks, it helps to form a smile and keep my face soft….before I know it…tasks are complete and I’m ready for the next task!  All with a small smile on my face.

I wonder…was I rewarding myself with a cigarette after completing a task…and because of that reward of smoking I was rushing through things subliminally just to get more nicotine in my system?  Hmmmm.  I’ll have to ponder on this thought for a while.

One consistent and clear thought I keep planted in my brain now is the thought that whispers, “I don’t smoke…I’m a non smoker…”  My husband told me last night that he was proud of my accomplishments.  He said…”just think, you will live longer…”  Well I don’t know about that, after all I could get hit by a Mack truck tomorrow….but as a non smoker..I am living better – AND THAT!!!! Makes me smile.